@Black__Elvis: My gf said all I do is sit on the couch in my underwear all day but that's bullshit, I've never been able to fit my underwear onto my couch.
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@Michael_Erhart: Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else's microwave.
@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
@SharkJelly: [1hr before date] Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken