@Black__Elvis: My gf said all I do is sit on the couch in my underwear all day but that's bullshit, I've never been able to fit my underwear onto my couch.
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@ThaJawn: Me: Hey, I'm here for the playdate. Her: Where's your son? Me: Oh he didn't want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..
@AbbyHasIssues: The good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
@sixfootcandy: Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror* Trainer: Ma'am, are you having a stroke?