Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
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Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I’ve had relationships like this