@VerifiedJayy: My gf said "tie me up and do what you want" so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar
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@Cherbearxo: The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
@TheToddWilliams: [team tryouts] Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park. Jimmy: Thanks Coach! Coach: This is tennis.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you? 4-year-old: I won.
@ActualPerson084: FREE IPAD FOR ANSWERING A SIMPLE SURVEY. 1) WHERE DO YOU LIVE? 2) DO YOU OWN WEAPONS? 3) WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE? #NIGHTOFTHEFREEIPAD