Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The only equipped I am is ill.
The game has officially changed 😎
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps