My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.