@BigBagOfScum: My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@pharmasean: Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer
@jake_lach: *Police bust through door* -QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR -WAIT, WHY!? -I DON'T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!
@thatUPSdude: Forget "once you go black you never go back" I say "For that special occasion go caucasian"
@TheMichaelRock: Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.