@BigBagOfScum: My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@KeetPotato: guy: [stands up at front of plane] me: "please don't be overbooked" guy: [pulls gun] "this plane is now under my control" me: "oh thank god"
@voldemortsbicep: Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I'm like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
@stevevsninjas: Me: I'm super nervous about this. Bungee Jump Operator: Don't overthink it. Just do it. Me: ok *I punch him in the face and run like hell*