My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low