my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I have a new favorite meme page
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.