My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.