@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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@TastyTuneTweets: Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
@noneofyours99: * thinks of a tweet before falling asleep * decided to remember a "key word* so I can remember it * wakes up * forgot key word
@laughandrun: A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
@GuyEndoreKaiser: Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy's gonna have a gold medal, and all you'll have is your joke about curling.