@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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@ohen39: [birthday party] me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life kid: okay me: alright, now blow it out
@jordan_stratton: Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge.
@buseysteeth: You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.