@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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@stephenjmolloy: [Awards ceremony] "And winner of 'The Most Unusual Name of the Year' goes to... drum roll please..." Drumroll Please: "Thanks so much!"
@aka_fatman: "I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!" - Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.