@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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@Illiter8: What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?
@Pro_Jones_: (Halloween Party) Friend: What's your costume? Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.
@KimmyMonte: Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.