@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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@GlumGeorgeLucas: My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job. I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
@mexinonblonde: Don't ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can't be tempted.... Because Satan's game is strong
@dafloydsta: [therapy] ME: *in tears* So anyway, that's why I think she left me PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
@mrtruthandsoul: According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/