My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
HOW DARE YOU
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
cry laughing at this shit