@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@rickygervais: A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa
@SqueakyFreckles: This crunchy cat food tastes a lot like I just poured from the wrong packet into my cereal bowl.
@DEgan4Baseball: I normally stay out of political talk on social media, but this is TOO FUNNY! #TacoTrucksOnEveryCorner
@mattZillaaaa: [job interview] "So we'll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?" Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?