GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.