My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.