Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.