The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.