Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.