Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
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Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.