Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
ok this is my dumbest yet
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.