Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
How dramatic are you?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??