@omgthatspunny: My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
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@tastefactory: [zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
@dvoted_hubsand: I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like "thank God it Friday!" or "Im pregnant of baby"
@ColoChiver: Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
@chimneyspotter: PERSON: Want a slice? ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread P: From your diet? M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure...from my diet