@omgthatspunny: My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
@3sunzzz: 4yo: Do you want to play pretend? Me: I already am. 4yo: What pretend? Me: Shh, you're not here.
@ElgatoEsmio: [DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff
@Scott_A_Gilmore: Oh look! A guy with "Stand-Up Comic" in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back. That's never happened before.