Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
What about a To-Don’t List?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
tourist season
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I’m literally crying
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.