@realHamOnWry: My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.
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@Sassafrantz: [stops during sex] If you spin my fanny pack around, there's sandwiches in there. Help yourself.
@PFitzpa: Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
@internetluke: [wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*
@bobvulfov: DRUG DEALER: what'll it be man ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please [at the surveillance van] DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs