*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.