H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
just having fun
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word