Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The asteroid..
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.