@HairyJew4Life: My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
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@JohnLyonTweets: Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick's Day. Chipotle manager: It's St. Patrick's Day?
@squirrel74wkgn: You know what sucks about Karaoke? Coworkers don't appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
@i_wantMyBiitch: Never ask Google for relation advice. I've gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.