I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]