@HairyJew4Life: My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
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@DadandBuried: My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he's got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
@laabruzzi: *bumpes into my ex on the street *dials a number Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!