I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.