@Thedudish: My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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@SufficientCharm: The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
@buriedwithkids: My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me... I screamed, "OH HELL NO" and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
@Instinctivetip: [marriage counselling] Her: he always thinks he's talking to me on CB radio Me: I don't, over Her: It's over Me: It's what? Over