@Thedudish: My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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@johnfreiler: my friend's apartment building burned down so he's at his parents' and he still won't hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
@HogwartsLogic: If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before
@johnbiehl: Me: this a rush song? Bartender: yeah, you a fan? Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says "no"*