@Thedudish: My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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@kwirkyKerri: I darkened my hair and now people expect me to be smart too. It's exhausting. Send bleach.
@thejamietighe: Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE? Neighbour: Get out of my house! Me: You're not even guessing.
@brynnester: As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me
@Kamikaze_Blonde: Joan of Arc was sainted but I'm the only person in our house who replaces the toilet paper and nobody says a word.