My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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A flock of dads is called a grill.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull