@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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@pleatedjeans: cop: why'd you kill him? me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers cop: ugh hate that you're free to go
@ArfMeasures: OWNER: The museum's ready? ME: All the artichokes are in place OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts [I slam the door shut] ME: U cannot go in there
@Tmoney68: Made a special running playlist that's nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I've lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."