@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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@captainkalvis: WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall! ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
@fantasesay: Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at - wait what is it called again? Jay-Z: Coachella. Beyoncé: Coachella.
@Marcmywords2: Dear XBOX Kinect If I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I'd play sports.
@sanjanaa: Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?