My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Don’t touch that.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.