My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
May have had one breakfast too many
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Bike is short for Bichael.