My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Cake!!
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.