@scarebro: My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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@DumbAlias: Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep. Check on sleeping baby. Can't hear breathing...prod sleeping baby Repeat
@TheGoodGodAbove: Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar. You can stop sacrificing goats now.
@RandomManik: Taco Bell is planning on doubling the 'meat' in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they're informing us in advance.