My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

@curlymalloy: When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?

@PeasLarge: if only there was a better name

@TheHatStore: [Leaving office] BOSS: I'm gonna work on my car this weekend ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

1

@dafloydsta: [on a date] *wonders if she'll steal my fries while I use the restroom* *shakes Magic 8 ball* "YES" *takes plate of fries with me*

172

@Jessberrie: I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob

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