My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
These are too funny not to post 😂
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm