@corysnearowski: My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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@Tommytoughstuff: Is that a banana in your pocket or... oh wait that is a banana. Sir I'm with super market security. Please come with me.
@TheFearBoners: When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.
@KeetPotato: [at interview] "ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him" umm "..." subwoofer? "welcome to the navy seals"