My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!