@JermHimselfish: My girlfriend buys candles the same way I buy weed. She looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it, then lights it on fire to relax
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@duplicitron: If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.
@Prof_BrianCocks: "14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope." "You mean Collider?" "Oh shit!"
@Sickayduh: "Ewww how'd that get in the house? I don't wanna kill it. I'll just put it outside" *scoops your baby up in a tissue*