@JermHimselfish: My girlfriend buys candles the same way I buy weed. She looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it, then lights it on fire to relax
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@AaronFullerton: I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, "It's not your fault."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: News: Hillary won the debate! My friends: Bernie won the debate! Trump: I won the debate! Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
@robfee: Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.
@joeljeffrey: Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert