My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.