@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend found lipstick on my collar and thought I was cheating on her so now I only let my collar wear makeup when she's out of town.
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@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@JoParkerBear: God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don't have money. That makes God super mad.
@SardonicTart: Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.