@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend found lipstick on my collar and thought I was cheating on her so now I only let my collar wear makeup when she's out of town.
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@abbycohenwl: *releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird
@PJTLynch: *wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!
@ohthatbadger: X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that? Me: He's on paws. X: … Me: 😁 On… paws. X: I hate you so much.
@bombsydoll: in high school I was voted 'who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before'