@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend found lipstick on my collar and thought I was cheating on her so now I only let my collar wear makeup when she's out of town.
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@c_gawker: if you think about all the people you didn't marry, you've had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
@TheSofiya: Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
@Twtercide: Relationship status Karate chopping hand holding couples' hands apart at the mall
@lizetagge: Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Did you use my highlighter? 2-year-old: Me: 2: Me: 2: No. Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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