Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.