@Sickayduh: My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she's not looking, I switch the cups.
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@TheTalkingPipe: The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she'll call security.
@prufrockluvsong: Him: Flash me a smile. You're prettier when you smile. I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
@StellaRtwot: Sometimes the last thing people hear before they're murdered is the sound of their pen that they won't stop clicking.
@david8hughes: I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald's bathroom. I'm up $405 or whatever.