My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
what?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]