@TravLeBlanc: My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She's like "What's with all the red pen marks in my diary?"
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@dafloydsta: [boarding plane] ME: Shotgun! COPILOT: Can he do that? PILOT: Looks like you're in economy today, Ted. COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]
@NoogsCorner: Cigarette: Hey buddy. Me: I don't smoke anymore. Cigarette: But buddy. Me: NO. Cigarette: Buddy? Me: You do make a good point. Fine.