My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
man i love columbo
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.