If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
welp
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
don’t we all
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”