@Tmoney68: My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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@bonehugsnirony: The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I'm throwing rocks at joggers.
@AimeeHelene1: Dad to kid: "Connor, eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" Me: *turns around, eats all of kid's food*
@trevso_electric: Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
@Capt_Spanky: Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.