My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies