My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Check out the legs on this baby
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes