When libraries troll their patrons.
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worst…sale…ever
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
3% human
97% stress
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?