[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
some things should go without saying
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen