My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.