My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
The Book. The Movie.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy