I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!