@notorious_stars: My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them
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@TheWeirdWorld: What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
@kimwilliamz: When somebody I blocked gets RT'd into my timeline it's like they're violating their restraining order.
@MarfSalvador: date: are you looking for love? me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
@HomeProbably: The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You're either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.