@notorious_stars: My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.
@EdgarAllanLo: [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?
@caliluvgirl77: 1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours 2015- don't even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
@_The_Man__: Wife: The zoo called Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?