Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.