My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
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The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
nature’s most graceful animal
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Probably my best painting.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”