My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO