@joeljeffrey: My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.
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@ch000ch: *watching a cop walk past during drug deal* ok relax, just be cool.. "bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy"
@SpeakComedy: Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)
@AthenaMystique: Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It's snowing again! Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*
@coryrichardson_: [movie date] me: i snuck in some snacks her: omg!! me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water