My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
White parent Vs Arab parents
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*