My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?