My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
#SaturdayBears
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.